You've been told to hustle, to optimize, to chase success. But what if the secret to a truly fulfilling life isn't about doing more, but about understanding what truly drives you? To truly live your best life, you must first pause and honestly ask yourself what genuinely matters. It's about aligning your daily actions, even the most mundane ones, with your deepest internal values, transforming obligation into purpose.
We all know the feeling: the endless to-do list, the relentless demands of work, family, and even friends. Your days become a rinse-and-repeat cycle of necessary duties, some enjoyable, many leaving you feeling frustrated or empty. You might wonder how you arrived at this point and if there's a way to tweak your existence so that pleasure consistently outweighs the pain.
The Hidden Power of Inner Drive
This isn't just burnout; it's often a disconnect from what psychologists call Self-Determination Theory (SDT). This foundational theory proposes that people are most motivated when they feel internally, or autonomously, driven. Think about it: when you choose a task because it aligns with your curiosity or values, it feels entirely different than when you do it out of obligation.
The challenge, of course, is that daily life is packed with external pressures. A boss sets deadlines, a family expects dinner on the table, and friends rely on your presence. SDT doesn't deny these realities. Instead, it suggests that the more autonomy you can carve out within these constraints, the greater your sense of well-being and fulfillment (Ryan & Deci, 2023). When you feel like you have no room to maneuver, that's when the exhaustion truly sets in.
Consider a parent, exhausted after a long day, still needing to pack school lunches. Instead of seeing it as a chore, they might focus on the love for their child, choosing healthy snacks and leaving a small note. This small act of intentionality transforms a humdrum duty into a moment of connection, an autonomous choice driven by their values. This is how you begin to infuse joy into the seemingly joyless, helping you live your best life even in the small moments.
Beyond Habits: Your Personality's Role
But here's where it gets interesting: your personality plays a crucial role in how you navigate these demands. A new perspective, often considered a 'sibling' to SDT, comes from Personality Systems Interaction (PSI) theory. According to this view, people generally lean towards one of two personality styles: 'state-oriented' or 'action-oriented.'
A state-oriented person tends to ruminate, overthinking situations and demands, especially under stress. They might get stuck in analysis paralysis. Action-oriented individuals, on the other hand, cope better by quickly figuring out what needs to be done and then doing it. They rise to the occasion, but might falter when there's not enough challenge. Conversely, while state-oriented people may ruminate, their reflective capacities can serve them well when immediate action isn't required (Kuhl & Kazén, 2022).
Sound familiar? Understanding your own leanings isn't about labeling yourself, but empowering yourself. The core connection between these theories lies in the "organismic" model, which posits that your sense of self is what truly drives you. The problem arises when daily life doesn't always offer the freedom to act on that self. State-oriented individuals, in particular, struggle with external pressure, but if they can be made to feel a sense of control, they will rise to the occasion and feel good about themselves in the process.
Reclaiming Control: The Path to Purpose
So, how do you bridge the gap between external pressures and your internal drive, especially if you tend to overthink? This is where practices like mindfulness become invaluable. Borrowing from the positive psychology movement, mindfulness offers a route toward greater self-fulfillment by helping you direct your attention to the present moment (Mindfulness Today, 2024).
The ideal motivation in SDT is intrinsic: acting in ways consistent with your sense of self. You feel most 'you' when you're doing what you love. The challenge is how to get that same feeling from tasks you're not particularly thrilled about. Through paying attention to what you're doing in the moment, you'll think less about external pressures and more about the actions themselves.
Think about a student tackling a challenging research paper. Instead of focusing on the looming deadline or the intimidating word count, they can engage mindfully with the research process itself - the thrill of discovery, the satisfaction of crafting an argument, the growth of their own knowledge. This shift transforms a daunting task into an opportunity for intrinsic learning and self-expression, helping them live their best academic life.
Another example is an entrepreneur facing a major setback. Rather than dwelling on potential failure or external criticism, they can focus on the immediate steps to pivot, problem-solve, and innovate. Their intrinsic drive for creation and impact fuels their actions, allowing them to navigate adversity with purpose and resilience. By consciously engaging with the present moment and infusing purpose into your actions, you begin to truly live your best life, not just endure it.
Ultimately, it's not about escaping your duties, but transforming them. It's about recognizing that even the most mundane tasks can be imbued with personal meaning when you choose to engage with them mindfully and align them with your core values. The journey to live your best life starts with a single, honest question: What truly matters to you?
