The Overlooked Parenting Skills Kids Need Most

In the dynamic journey of raising children, parents often dedicate significant energy to fostering academic success, developing talents, and teaching practical life skills. While these endeavors are undeniably valuable, there exists a crucial set of parenting skills that frequently go unnoticed, yet are profoundly essential for a child’s holistic development and long-term well-being.

In today’s rapidly evolving and often challenging world, equipping our kids with robust emotional intelligence, powerful resilience, and a strong sense of self is more critical than ever. These aren’t always the skills that earn a certificate or a grade, but they form the bedrock for navigating life’s complexities, building healthy relationships, and fostering positive mental health from an early age.

This section will delve into these vital, often-missed parenting skills – the ones that truly empower our children to thrive, not just survive. It’s about embracing mindful parenting practices that lay the foundation for a future generation of emotionally capable, confident, and genuinely happy individuals.

Troubling trends in youth mental health have shone a light on how children—and parents—are struggling today. It’s hard to be a parent in 2025, regardless of your child’s age. Young children have trouble making sense of the world; grown children wrestle with setting boundaries with parents (and vice versa). Fortunately, there are some overlooked ways to solve problems and foster resilience—at any age.

Anastasia Espinal (Parent of Lana, 4, and Ethan, 7) shares:

“As parents, our knee-jerk reaction is often to jump in and solve problems for our kids when they face an issue or hardship. But allowing children the space to navigate their own challenges and experience the profound sense of accomplishment that comes from overcoming them? That’s truly one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

This independence is reflected in their growing confidence and their ability to play creatively, function independently, and even develop into leaders. It shows up in countless ways: from having the courage to make new friends at the playground, to fearlessly tackling new skills because they’ve learned to crash through roadblocks head-on. I’ve seen firsthand how fostering this resilience in my children, by letting them learn they can do hard things, empowers them every day.”

The 7 Key Ways a Child’s Mind Works

What goes on in young minds and why kids act the way they do.

By Evan Shopper, LICSW

Young children often seem illogical to parents because they’re governed by emotions rather than reason—even when they can’t articulate what they’re feeling. When we view the world through a child’s emotion-driven lens, their behavior starts to make perfect sense.

I call this perspective their “mindset”—the fundamental way children operate based on their emotional experiences. Understanding this mindset doesn’t just help us comprehend our children; it empowers us to raise happy, healthy kids. Here are the seven core components that shape a child’s mindset.

1. Their Primary Need: Connection At All Costs

As John Bowlby, the pioneer of attachment theory, emphasized in his trilogy Attachment and Loss, the quality of a child’s connection with a caregiver is crucial for healthy development.

When children feel securely connected to a parent, what does this bond actually look like?

In psychology, this is called “attunement”—the caregiver’s ability to accurately understand, anticipate, and meet a child’s emotional needs. When parents correctly interpret and respond to their child’s inner world, the child feels safe, nurtured, and valued. This security motivates children to emulate, imitate, and learn from their parents. Through identification with the parent, children experience psychological closeness that forms the foundation of secure attachment.

2. Feeling Small Can Mean Feeling Helpless and Afraid

Nearly every interaction reinforces young children’s awareness of their small size and limited power. They inhabit a world of giants who create and enforce all the rules.

To cope with these feelings of fear and helplessness, children often try to make others experience these same emotions. It’s as if they hope to transfer—and thereby eliminate—the uncomfortable feelings they want to escape. Feeling small also drives children to seek control, which helps them feel more powerful and less afraid.

3. Seeing the World In Black-and-White

Young children can’t grasp complex concepts—their cognitive development isn’t advanced enough. Consequently, they make sweeping generalizations from their experiences to understand and adapt to a confusing world.

This tendency creates significant challenges because children form expectations and narratives based on these oversimplified conclusions. For example, when a 2-year-old tries to pet a dog while it’s eating and gets nipped, they can’t understand why the dog suddenly hurt them. Naturally, they conclude that this is how all dogs behave and that all dogs are dangerous. Without explanation about why this specific dog reacted this particular way, the child might retain a deep-seated fear of dogs.

4. Preserving the Parent As All Good

Because children recognize their own smallness and vulnerability, they need parents to appear competent, reliable, and trustworthy. They need someone in control who can confidently say, “I’ve got this. You’re okay.”

Given their black-and-white thinking, perceiving a parent as flawed could mean the world is broken, directionless, and unsafe—like being on a plane with no pilot! Children will contort their understanding to maintain their parents’ positive image. Rather than acknowledging parental fallibility—for example, if parents make mistakes—children may imagine that they themselves caused the failure.

5. Egocentrism

Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget proposed in his four-stage developmental theory that young children are naturally egocentric, frequently misunderstanding others’ feelings by assuming they feel the same way the child does. Because children comprehend so little about their world, their egocentrism leads them to explain events as if they personally caused them.

For instance, facing a perfect day for outdoor play, a preschooler might believe they’re responsible for the sunshine because they wished for it. Similarly, they might think their goldfish died because they didn’t pay enough attention to it. If parents argue, children may believe they’re somehow responsible for the conflict too.

6. Avoiding Shame

Every time we correct a child’s behavior, we’re teaching them what’s acceptable and distinguishing right from wrong. Children want to get it right; they want to please us and behave appropriately, but their emotions often interfere, causing them to act out. This is where trouble emerges: Hearing that they’re misbehaving easily makes children feel ashamed. Thus, shame can enter a child’s self-narrative, profoundly affecting their self-esteem and emotional development.

Children are particularly prone to shame given their need for parental connection and their need to maintain parents as all good. If children regularly feel disconnected from a parent, they may interpret this as meaning they’re unworthy of parental love.

7. Feeling Overwhelmed

How could a child not feel overwhelmed? The world is vast, fast-paced, and complicated! Children manage this overwhelm in various ways: They shut down, explode, cry, isolate, rage, hide, or hyperfocus on one thing. These coping mechanisms often interfere with their connections to others.

What matters most are the messages children receive—and tell themselves—about their own capabilities, their ability to cope, and their caregiver’s capacity to remain connected to them.

What This Means for Parents

Understanding these seven aspects of your child’s mind will help you interpret their behavior. Their emotions drive their actions, and their mindset significantly influences those emotions.

The next time your child acts out, ask yourself what’s really happening beneath the surface. You’ll likely discover that one or more of these qualities is operating. If you can identify which element is prompting the behavior, you can name it, bringing it into the open where you and your child can discuss what’s happening in their mind.

Ultimately, when children receive help processing their emotions, their challenging behaviors diminish or disappear entirely.

How to Prevent Unhealthy Narratives In Your Child

First, name the emotions. Narratives form around intense feelings. For example, a child terrified of getting a shot might construct a narrative that doctors are harmful. However, when parents bring these feelings into conscious awareness where the child can process them, the child is less likely to develop inaccurate narratives.

You might tell a 2-year-old, “You’re feeling scared.” With a 3-year-old, add, “You’re scared because you think the doctor’s shot will hurt.” As your child matures, include the origin of feelings. With a 5-year-old, say, “You say you hate me because I’m letting the doctor give you a shot. I understand that. But I think you’re also scared of the shot and upset that you don’t get any say in this.”

Second, name the narrative. To identify potential narratives, observe your child’s behavior and use your parental intuition. In the shot example, various narratives could form: Doctors hurt rather than help; My parent sides with the doctor, not me; I can’t trust the people supposed to help me. With a preschooler, say, “I know shots hurt, but doctors are here to help, and I am too.” Or, “I know shots hurt, but I’m making sure you’re safe.”

For the 5-year-old, be more explicit: “You said you hated me, and I think you felt I was on the doctor’s side instead of yours. But I’m always on your side. I’m always keeping you safe, even when it doesn’t feel like it.” Identify the child’s emotionally based (and unhealthy) narrative, then offer a more accurate (and healthy) alternative.

Third, repair if needed. When your child experiences a break in connection with you, repair is essential. Begin by acknowledging the child’s experience and feelings, then correct misunderstandings.

Describe events from your child’s perspective. To the child whose high-needs sibling receives much of your attention, say, “When I left book time last night to care for your brother, I know it felt unfair, like he was more important than reading with you.” Listen and validate your child’s feelings without questioning them. Summarize what they’ve shared to demonstrate your understanding.

Fourth, own your part in the rupture. Acknowledge your contribution to the problem. Set aside your perspective and focus on your child’s experience: “I know I’m often too tired when I get home. I understand how hard this is for you.”

Fifth, describe your plan to change. You don’t need extensive details—just communicate that you’re taking responsibility and working to improve: “I know I get angry, and I’m working hard on staying calmer.”

Sixth, clarify misperceptions. Provide facts to counter your child’s manufactured scenarios. For example: “I work two jobs because we need the money. I can’t change that right now, but I’m trying to save more energy for you.” Or, “Your brother faces many challenges that make things difficult for him; he needs my help. I know he gets more attention than you do, and it doesn’t feel fair. What is fair is that you each get what you need.”

When you repair your connection with your child, you communicate that they matter. You’re reconnecting and creating narratives that become the foundation of their self-esteem and emotional resilience.

*Evan Shopper, LICSW, is a therapist, writer, and educator in Western Massachusetts.*

Caroline Yang / Used with permission

*Catherine Sy (Eliana, 28) Something I learned the hard way is to provide advice only when specifically requested. Otherwise, your adult child may interpret your advice as criticism. Eliana and I became alienated when I offered unsolicited advice about her choices. This created distance between us until I apologized for making her feel incompetent by assuming she couldn’t think for herself about her future. I had undermined her agency by not listening and questioning her decisions. We now enjoy a beautiful relationship based on mutual respect and clearer boundaries for me.*

What Teens Need Most But Aren’t Getting From Parents

Parental reactivity is creating a crisis for teens.

By Donna Jackson Nakazawa

In a first-of-its-kind study, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) asked teens to self-report the adversities they face and to examine how those adversities affect their overall teen mental health. The 2024 report found that not only are today’s high schoolers experiencing high levels of adversity—but that the top form of adversity they face is at home. Sixty-one percent of teens said they experience being put down or insulted by a parent or adult at home (what researchers often call “psychological aggression” or “emotional maltreatment”).

An equally worrisome finding of the study, titled “Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS) and Health Conditions and Risk Behaviors Among High School Students,” is that 28 percent of high schoolers said they live with a parent who is struggling with depression, anxiety, substance abuse, or another mental health disorder (what researchers call “household poor mental health”).

I’ve been asking teens at schools around the country what they wish they could say to their parents but can’t. Notably, many teens, in different areas, tell me that not only are they struggling but they don’t feel they have an adult they can turn to at home. They desperately want to be able to talk to their parents, but, first, their parents need to be better regulated and calmer—parents they can count on to have their backs and provide emotional safety.

What Teens Say They Need Most From Their Parents

Here are just a handful of the responses I’ve received to my question: What do you wish you could tell your parents but can’t?

“I wish adults were more emotionally mature than the kids around them.”

“I wish we could talk about things without getting compared to others or put down or told to push it down.”

“All the stress of your putting your problems on me is exhausting. I’m your kid, not your therapist.”

“I feel like a burden, a disappointment, and a failure.”

“Do not confuse my honesty with my being ‘dramatic.’ Believe me and don’t get mad when I want to tell you something.”

“I feel I can’t talk to my dad about how I feel about him; he takes everything so personally and he’s so combative. I don’t want our relationship to suffer.”

“I wish they wouldn’t lie to me and to each other.”

“I just need the adults to listen to me and take my emotions seriously.”

When teens feel they can’t turn to the adults in their lives without being judged, put down, made fun of, critiqued, or invalidated, there are big consequences. The CDC study found that 65 percent of a teen’s “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness were associated with experiencing one or more categories of early adversity.” This highlights the critical link between home environment and adolescent well-being.

We, the adults, must upgrade our skills for self-regulation so we can co-regulate the young people we love. We can be the adult who bolsters them, reassures them that they matter, that they belong, and that they are worthy, no matter what they’re going through. This is foundational for effective parent-teen communication.

Parents and children are a dyad: We can’t help one without helping the other. Part of today’s youth mental health crisis lies in the disconnect between what kids want from parents emotionally and what we’re giving them. How do we start to be that person? First, we have to turn a lens on ourselves and become aware of how our own difficult life experiences have affected our levels of parental reactivity. Studies looking at brain scans show that the more stress and early adversity we faced growing up, the more likely we are to be reactive to stress later in life. This learned reactivity significantly impacts our ability to provide a calm, regulated presence.

A Writing Exercise to Build a Better Connection with Your Teen

Here’s a writing-to-heal exercise to help you reflect on how you might provide more emotional safety and connection for your child, fostering more mindful parenting:

Step 1: Reflect on Your Own Childhood Needs

First, get a piece of paper and pencil.

Ask yourself: What did I want from my mother or father that I never received?

Write down whatever arises. As you write, keep your hand moving. Write faster than you normally might, as if taking dictation from your mind. Don’t worry about writing your thoughts in an organized way. Writing-to-heal exercises allow for a quick discharge of your thoughts.

The written thoughts can provide clues that will be important as you turn your lens to your own story and examine how your childhood wounds may still be affecting you now. The awareness, in turn, will enhance your ability to dial into what your child may need to receive from you.

As you do this exercise, bring a sense of self-compassion and self-love for yourself and the child you once were who might not have had the parent you needed. Many of us grew up in families where “listening” meant something else; it meant doing what our parents said and complying without questioning or complaining. We may have learned that when we spoke out, people would react badly or get upset with us. So we avoided voicing our feelings or needs.

Growing up in such a power dynamic can make it harder for us as adults to talk to our kids in ways that build emotional safety. Recognizing the link is essential to changing the dynamic with our children. You can shift the setting in your home from “I’m too stressed out and reactive to be able to help you” to one of “You belong, you matter, you’re safe with me, I will not judge you.”

Step 2: Consider Your Child’s Unmet Needs

Ask yourself a second question: What do you think your child might want or need that they aren’t receiving?

Write down what arises here too. Seeing the connection between your child’s story and your story can provide an “aha moment” of awareness that can help you pause and regulate yourself when stress levels are rising and your child needs your love and reassurance, not your judgment.

You cannot soothe your child if you’re unable to soothe yourself—and that requires understanding what triggers your parental reactivity. Addressing the roots of your own feelings is the first step toward creating emotional safety for both you and your child—something the kids I work with say they desperately want. This is how we can help them thrive, and, in the process, heal ourselves, too.

Journalist Donna Jackson Nakazawa’s recent books include Girls on the Brink and The Adverse Childhood Experiences Guided Journal.

Timothy Smith / Used with permission. Alain Mouity and Phiona Lynch (Milan, 15) Trust that your child is learning, growing, and thriving a little each and every day. Their success stories are right around the corner, in their own time. This is especially important to remember for parents navigating challenging behaviors. For those parents, it also helps to stay calm, stay quiet, and if need be, walk away for a moment. There are times when your child may react in ways that seem aggressive or combative, but more often than not, they’re overwhelmed, anxious, or even afraid. Don’t react with anger or let your frustration show. Pause, take some deep breaths, then engage as best as you can.

Clashes Between Parents And Adult Children—And How to Resolve Them

Discover the strategies to turn conflict into connection.

By Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.

As a parent coach, I often work with parents and guardians who deeply love their adult children but find themselves stuck in draining patterns of conflict. These disputes can leave families feeling exhausted, frustrated, and heartbroken. While every family dynamic is unique, I consistently observe five major types of parent-adult child conflict that frequently lead to tension. Fortunately, there are effective strategies to break these cycles, enhance family communication, and foster a healthier, more respectful relationship built on mutual understanding.

Clash 1: Unsolicited Advice vs. Independence

The Conflict: Parents, driven by love and a lifetime of experience, often offer advice to their adult children—even when it hasn’t been requested. While well-intentioned, adult children often perceive this as intrusive, patronizing, or a sign that their parents don’t trust them to manage their own lives, leading to resentment and defensiveness.

Example: Vera, 62, constantly told her son Elias, 30, how to manage his finances, reminding him about credit scores, paying bills on time, and avoiding debt. Elias, who had never missed a payment and was financially responsible, deeply resented these conversations, feeling his mother doubted his capabilities.

How to Fix It: Instead of automatically offering guidance, parents can empower their adult children by asking, “Would you like my thoughts on that?” or “Are you looking for advice, or just to vent?” If the answer is no, respecting their autonomy is crucial. Shifting to a supportive role—rather than a directive one—helps foster mutual respect and builds trust in their ability to navigate their own path.

Clash 2: Differing Expectations About Contact and Visits

The Conflict: Parents often desire more frequent check-ins, phone calls, or visits than their adult children are naturally inclined to give. Adult children, preoccupied with their own lives, careers, and families, may feel pressured or guilty, which can lead to avoidance or further withdrawal, creating a painful distance.

Example: Rafael, 68, felt hurt that his daughter Liana, 34, called only once every two weeks. He would make comments like, “Oh, I guess you’re too busy for your old dad,” which only made Liana feel more burdened and withdraw further.

How to Fix It: Parents can express their needs honestly and vulnerably, without resorting to guilt-tripping. “I love hearing from you, and a quick text or call now and then means a lot to me” is far more effective than complaints. It’s also vital for parents to focus on their own hobbies, friendships, and social life rather than relying solely on their children for emotional fulfillment. This demonstrates healthy boundaries and reduces pressure on the adult child.

Clash 3: Different Life Choices

The Conflict: Parents may struggle significantly when their adult children make choices that diverge from their own expectations or values—whether it’s about careers, relationships, parenting styles, or lifestyle. This can lead to parental disappointment, judgment, worry, or a sense of emotional distance.

Example: Marta, 59, had always envisioned her son Andre, 28, settling down with a stable career and a family. Instead, he quit his corporate job to travel and live a minimalist lifestyle. Marta’s constant questioning (“When will you get serious about your future?”) made Andre defensive and increasingly reluctant to share his life with her.

How to Fix It: Parents should remember that their child’s life journey is unique and their own to forge. Instead of focusing on how their child’s choices differ, parents can cultivate curiosity and acceptance. Asking, “What do you love about your life right now?” or “Tell me more about what inspired this decision?” can create a bridge of connection and understanding instead of a wall of conflict. Embracing their child’s individuality fosters a more open and loving relationship.

Clash 4: Financial Support vs. Independence

The Conflict: Many parents grapple with when and how much to financially support their adult children. Some feel taken advantage of, while others feel immense guilt if they don’t help. Adult children, on the other hand, may feel resentful if parents attach too many strings to financial assistance, perceiving it as control rather than help.

Example: Gerard, 65, had been helping his son Callum, 32, with rent. When Gerard suggested Callum cut back on dining out, Callum snapped, “If you’re going to control how I spend my money, just don’t help me at all,” causing a deep rift.

How to Fix It: If parents choose to offer financial assistance, it’s crucial to set clear, agreed-upon terms from the outset to avoid resentment. For example: “We’re happy to help with rent for six months, but after that, we need you to take over entirely.” Being explicit about expectations prevents misunderstandings and fosters accountability. If direct financial support isn’t an option, parents can still offer invaluable emotional support and practical guidance: “I know this is a tough financial period. I believe in your ability to figure this out, and I’m here to listen.” The goal is to support their journey towards financial independence.

Clash 5: Navigating the Path to Independence (Often Called “Failure to Launch”)

The Conflict: A significant struggle many parents face is supporting their adult children through the complex transition to full adulthood. This can manifest as an inability to financially support themselves, manage responsibilities, or make independent life choices. Parents can feel frustrated, anxious, and helpless when their child seems unable or unwilling to take responsibility for their future, sometimes leading to parental burnout.

Example: Jamie, 29, had moved back home after college and was struggling to find stable employment. He spent much of his time playing video games and was not actively looking for a job. His mother Samantha, 60, felt as if she had failed as a parent, while Jamie seemed content to remain dependent, creating an unsustainable dynamic.

How to Fix It: Parents can address the issue by initiating open, nonjudgmental conversations about their adult child’s goals and challenges. Instead of focusing on what isn’t happening, they can ask, “What do you think would make a difference in your situation?” This approach helps empower their child to take ownership of their life. Parents can also encourage their adult child to seek professional resources like career counseling or therapy, and assist with creating a practical action plan. Crucially, parents need to establish clear, compassionate boundaries and adhere to them—such as setting a timeline for moving out, contributing to household expenses, or taking on a part-time job. Offering emotional support while steadfastly encouraging gradual independence for adult children can facilitate a healthier and more respectful transition for everyone involved.

*Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is the author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and a specialist in resolving family disputes and parenting adult children.

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