Have you ever found yourself questioning interactions, wondering, “Why do I think people don't like me?” even after seemingly positive encounters? This common experience, where our perception of how much others like us falls short of reality, is a phenomenon psychologists call the “liking gap.” It's a pervasive internal bias that convinces us we are less appreciated than we truly are, often leading to unnecessary self-doubt and anxiety in social situations. Understanding this gap is the first step toward building more authentic confidence.
Understanding the "Liking Gap"
The “liking gap” describes the consistent tendency for individuals to underestimate how much their conversation partners and new acquaintances actually like them. This cognitive bias is a key reason why you think people might view you negatively, even when evidence suggests the opposite.
Research highlights how our social brains often focus on perceived missteps rather than successes during interactions. As psychologist Deborah Serani, PsyD, notes, “When we’re with others, our social brain is more focused on overanalyzing what we perceive we did wrong, instead of what we may have done right.” This hyper-focus on flaws can foster unrealistic self-criticism.
A landmark 2018 study observed the liking gap in various settings, from strangers meeting in a lab to college students getting to know dorm mates. Researchers consistently found that participants underestimated how much their partners liked them and enjoyed their company. This gap persisted for several months as relationships developed, suggesting that people are generally liked more than they realize (Boothby et al., 2018).
The roots of this misperception can begin early in life. A 2021 study involving children aged 4 to 11 found that kids as young as five already believe their peers like them less than they actually do. This gap became more pronounced with age, illustrating how early life experiences can shape our self-perception and how we interpret others’ feelings (Wolf et al., 2021).
The Psychological Roots of Self-Doubt
When direct feedback on others' feelings is absent, it's easy for our minds to fill that void with negative interpretations. Several psychological factors contribute to the intensity of the liking gap.
Echoes from Childhood
For some, the fear of not being liked isn't merely about connection; it's a deep-seated survival mechanism. Individuals who grew up in unpredictable or challenging environments might have learned to present a carefully constructed version of themselves to the world. They might fear that if their “true” self—with all its vulnerabilities—were revealed, they would face rejection. This often stems from an internalized belief that their authentic self is inherently flawed or unlikable.
Original Example 1: A person who grew up in a household with chronic conflict might have learned to be a people-pleaser, always putting others' needs first to maintain peace. As an adult, they may struggle to believe anyone genuinely likes them for who they are, rather than for what they do for them.
The Mirror of Projection
Defensive projection also plays a significant role. When we project our own negative self-perceptions onto others, we might mistakenly believe they share those views. As clinical psychologist Natalie Dattilo-Ryan, PhD, explains, “If I’m plagued by the idea that others don’t really like me... it could be because I don’t really like myself sometimes, and that makes it hard for me to believe that others do.” This often explains why you think people are judging you, when in reality, it's a reflection of your own internal dialogue.
The Weight of Low Self-Esteem
Self-criticism and low self-esteem are powerful drivers of the liking gap. Extensive research demonstrates that negative self-perception can significantly skew how we interpret social cues (Serani). We become our own harshest critics, often holding ourselves to a much higher standard than we apply to others—a phenomenon known as “double-standardizing.”
Our self-perception acts like a two-way street: when we see ourselves as likable, we tend to believe others like us too. Conversely, if we perceive ourselves as unlikable or standoffish, we assume others see us that way, creating a reinforcing cycle of self-doubt (Dattilo-Ryan).
The Shadow of Social Anxiety
Social anxiety can amplify the liking gap, making it feel even more intense. Individuals with social anxiety experience excessive worry about being judged, which can lead to avoiding social interactions altogether. This condition often results in constant rumination, replaying social exchanges endlessly, and a compulsive need for reassurance from loved ones that they are still liked or that they “did okay” (Dattilo-Ryan).
How This Bias Affects Your Connections
Operating under the assumption that others don’t like you can make social interactions fraught with anxiety and self-consciousness. This prevents you from relaxing and showing up authentically, inadvertently affecting the quality of your relationships.
This persistent belief can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you expect people not to like you, you might unconsciously push them away, thereby confirming your initial fear. For instance, you might withdraw, avoid eye contact, or seem disengaged, leading others to perceive you as aloof or uninterested, even if that's not your intention (Dattilo-Ryan). This mechanism is often driven by unconscious psychological forces like expectancy bias and confirmation bias.
Original Example 2: A new team member at work, convinced their colleagues find them awkward, might decline invitations to lunch or after-work events. Over time, colleagues might stop inviting them, reinforcing the new team member's belief that they are disliked, when in fact, their withdrawal was the contributing factor.
The constant need for reassurance can also strain relationships, as the relief it provides is typically short-lived. The true solution involves gradually reducing reliance on external validation while cultivating a stronger, internal sense of self-acceptance. When we develop a grounded sense of self-esteem, we become less susceptible to the negative feedback loop of the liking gap (Serani).
Strategies for Bridging the Liking Gap
The most effective way to improve self-perception and social confidence is through consistent practice and behavioral change. Dattilo-Ryan suggests “acting as if” you are already the confident person you aspire to be, stepping into situations you might otherwise avoid out of fear. Each time you successfully navigate an uncomfortable situation, your self-perception begins to adjust, building internal evidence of your capabilities.
Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: Social comparison can severely damage self-esteem and self-acceptance. Instead of measuring your worth against others, celebrate your unique traits and embrace your weaknesses. Understand that your individuality is a strength (Serani).
Cultivate Self-Compassion: Research indicates that individuals who understand they are “enough” experience reduced levels of depression and anxiety (Egan et al., 2021). Embrace your vulnerabilities, allow yourself to be imperfect, and practice forgiveness for your less-than-optimal thoughts and behaviors (Serani).
Acknowledge Co-dependency: Co-dependency involves an unhealthy emotional reliance on others to derive your sense of worth. This coping style often originates in childhood. Identifying the roots of co-dependent attachments and actively unlearning these behaviors through mindfulness, self-care, and self-reflection can be transformative (Serani, Bacon et al., 2020).
Practice Positive Affirmation Journaling: This simple yet powerful practice, recommended by Dattilo-Ryan, can help you cultivate greater self-acceptance and challenge negative self-talk. Regularly writing down positive affirmations can rewire your brain to focus on your strengths and inherent worth.
Original Example 3: Instead of avoiding a networking event due to the fear of judgment, try setting a small, achievable goal, like initiating one brief conversation or asking a single open-ended question. Successfully meeting this small goal can incrementally shift why you think people perceive you negatively.
By implementing these strategies, you can begin to dismantle the internal narratives that fuel the liking gap, fostering genuine self-worth and more authentic, fulfilling social connections. Remember, the journey to believing you are liked starts with believing in yourself.












