Have you ever caught yourself in a mental tug-of-war where one voice insists something is wrong while another tells you to just get over it?
That exhausting internal argument isn't just stress--it's a form of self-sabotage that keeps you stuck in invalidation loops. When you automatically dismiss your own reactions as 'too much' or 'not valid,' you're engaging in a pattern that psychology experts call internalized invalidation.
What Is Self-Gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting happens when you adopt the dismissive voices you've heard from others and turn them inward. It sounds like: "I'm overreacting," "It's not that big a deal," or "I'm just being sensitive."
Consider this common scenario: You're passed over for a promotion despite excellent performance. When you mention feeling disappointed, your inner critic immediately counters: "You're just being entitled. They probably had better qualifications. Stop making everything about you." This internal dialogue mirrors the external invalidation you may have experienced throughout your life.
According to research from Harvard's Center on the Developing Child, chronic invalidation during childhood can wire the brain to automatically question its own perceptions (Harvard, 2024). The result? Adults who habitually doubt their emotional reality.
Recognize the Pattern
The first step is noticing when it's time to stop the internal debate. Self-gaslighting typically shows up as a split-second argument:
- Initial feeling: "I feel hurt by what they said."
- Immediate dismissal: "But they didn't mean it that way. I'm too sensitive."
- Outcome: You suppress the feeling, but it lingers as resentment or anxiety.
A second example appears in social situations. Imagine a friend consistently cancels plans last-minute. You feel disrespected, but your inner voice argues: "Real friends don't keep score. You're being needy." This pattern invalidates your legitimate need for reciprocity.
How to Break the Cycle
When you notice the argument starting, it's time to stop and take three deliberate actions:
Feel Without Judging
Instead of analyzing whether you should feel a certain way, simply notice the physical sensation. Is your chest tight? Is your breathing shallow? The American Psychological Association notes that emotions are physiological events first--validating them as real experiences disrupts the invalidation loop (APA, 2023).
Name the Internal Critic
A third example: A parent who constantly questions their decisions--"Am I messing up my kids?"--can benefit from externalizing the voice. Give it a name (like "The Worrier" or "The Judge"). When it speaks, respond: "I hear you, but my feelings are still valid." This creates distance between your authentic self and the conditioned critic.
Seek External Validation
It's time to stop going it alone. Talk to a trusted friend or therapist who can confirm what you're experiencing is real. If that's not immediately available, imagine what you'd tell a friend in your situation--you're often more compassionate with others than yourself.
Reclaim Your Reality
The goal isn't to eliminate doubt or become self-absorbed. It's to develop a trusting relationship with your own perceptions. When it's time to stop dismissing yourself, remember: your feelings are data, not directives to be ignored.
Start small. Notice one moment today when your inner voice says, "You're fine," when you're actually not. Pause. Breathe. And it's time to stop the argument by simply acknowledging: "I feel what I feel, and that's enough for now."
