The quiet ache settled in on a Tuesday afternoon. Not a sharp pain, but a persistent hum, a subtle dissonance beneath the surface of an ordinary day. It was the feeling of missing children I never had, a phantom limb of the heart. There were no ultrasound photos, no nursery to prepare, just two imagined girls, conceived in the quiet corners of my mind, who brought with them a unique and complex longing.
Naming the Unresolvable Longing
For years, this specific brand of yearning remained unnamed, a nebulous emotion I couldn't quite articulate. It wasn't the grief of a loss that could be mourned and eventually healed, nor was it a regret tied to a specific decision. It was a gentle, persistent echo, a tender space I revisited. This is where the Portuguese word saudade entered my awareness, offering a profound sense of recognition.
Saudade, as described by linguists and cultural commentators (Gomes, 2023), is a unique form of missing. It's not about temporary absence or the expectation of reunion. It's a profound awareness that something deeply loved is simply not present, perhaps never fully was, and is not recoverable. It's a longing that doesn't seek resolution or anticipate fulfillment. This understanding resonated deeply, giving shape to the nebulous feeling of missing children I never had.
In my own reflections, I've tried to capture this. I'd circle back to hypothetical questions: What would I name them? The oldest, perhaps Josie Rose, a name evoking a spirited, sun-kissed child. The younger, Babette, with its blend of elegance and playfulness. These imaginings weren't born of sadness but of a tender affection for the possibilities, for the person I might have been in that unlived life. This is the essence of saudade - a deep, bittersweet tenderness for what is absent.
When Longing Isn't a Problem to Be Fixed
The cultural narrative often frames longing as a problem, a discomfort that demands immediate solutions. If we feel an ache, we assume we must heal it; if we desire something absent, we believe we must acquire it or eliminate the desire. This perspective often pathologizes emotions that don't lead to concrete outcomes. We measure mental well-being by our ability to erase discomfort.
However, saudade offers a different lens. It suggests that some forms of longing are not symptoms of distress but rather inherent aspects of the human experience, conditions to be acknowledged and understood. This perspective is echoed in philosophical thought, where the contemplation of what is absent can be a profound source of creativity and self-awareness (Kierkegaard, 1843). The feeling of missing children I never had, in this light, becomes less of a wound and more of an emotional landscape to explore.
Consider other forms of unresolvable longing: the artist who yearns for a masterpiece that remains just out of reach, the friend who misses a connection that has faded irrevocably, or the professional who dreams of a career path that was never pursued. These are not necessarily problems to be solved but experiences that shape us, adding depth and texture to our lives. Embracing saudade means accepting that not all desires are meant to be fulfilled, and that is okay.
Distance and Impossibility Fuel Desire
The very distance and impossibility inherent in saudade can paradoxically fuel desire and creativity. As philosopher Peter Rollins suggests, the most significant aspects of our lives are often those we don't possess. This concept is powerfully illustrated by Søren Kierkegaard's life, where a profound love was deliberately left unconsummated, fueling a lifetime of philosophical writing and introspection (Rollins, 2022). The unattainable became the source of his life's work.
This is the delicate dance of saudade. The longing for the children I never had doesn't drive me to seek a resolution that doesn't exist. Instead, it invites a quiet contemplation, a deeper appreciation for the present, and an understanding of the rich tapestry of human emotion. It's a reminder that our inner lives are vast and complex, filled with echoes of what might have been, and that acknowledging these echoes can be a source of profound, albeit bittersweet, wisdom.
