The email arrived at 2:17 AM. Sarah, an autistic artist, had been checking her inbox every ten minutes for hours, heart thrumming with a frantic hope. It was from Alex, a new acquaintance from her pottery class, a casual reply about glazes. Yet, for Sarah, it felt like a cosmic sign, a validation of the profound, all-consuming connection she felt. She’d spent weeks replaying every shared glance, every fleeting conversation, convinced Alex was 'the one,' even though they’d only spoken a handful of times. This wasn't just a crush; it was an obsession, a vibrant, terrifying world built around one person. This intense, involuntary fixation, often called limerence, can feel uniquely amplified for autistic individuals, profoundly shaped by neurological differences in emotional processing, sensory input, and the very nature of their special interests.
The Unseen Force: What Exactly is Limerence?
Limerence isn't merely a crush; it's a profound emotional state, first described by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s as "an involuntary, overwhelming longing for another person's attention and positive regard" (Tennov, 1979). Think of it as a crush on overdrive, where feelings are amplified, and your thoughts become difficult to redirect. It’s a powerful, often consuming experience marked by intrusive thoughts, rumination, and a deep preoccupation with the object of your affection.
This intense, involuntary fixation isn't limited to romantic interests. It can manifest as a parasocial connection, like an obsessive admiration for a celebrity or public figure you've never met. For instance, a person might spend hours analyzing a pop star's social media posts, convinced of a deeper, unspoken bond, despite the one-sided nature of the relationship. While limerence is particularly common within the autistic community, it's not exclusive to it; individuals with ADHD, PTSD, and other neurodivergent experiences often report similar states of mind (Bradbury et al., 2025).
The intensity can lead to feelings of shame, especially when it feels like your interests and focus have been completely overtaken. But here's the thing: experiencing limerence doesn't make you a bad person. It's an emotional state, a complex wiring of the human experience, and understanding it is the first step toward navigating it with self-compassion.
The Autistic Lens: Why Limerence Can Feel So Different
While limerence can affect anyone, the autistic experience often brings a distinct flavor to this intense emotional state. This section directly addresses why limerence can feel particularly intense or distinct for autistic individuals, rooted in common autistic traits that can predispose one to experiencing it with greater depth.
Special Interests as a Catalyst
Many autistic people cultivate deep, often lifelong special interests. These aren't just hobbies; they're integral parts of identity, offering comfort, joy, and a structured way to engage with the world. When this profound capacity for intense focus shifts from a topic like astrophysics or vintage trains to a person, limerence can take root. The same drive that leads to encyclopedic knowledge about a niche subject can channel into an all-consuming preoccupation with another individual.
Hyperfixation's Grip
Beyond special interests, autistic individuals often experience hyperfixation, a state where attention becomes intensely concentrated on a particular area, making it incredibly difficult to shift focus. Imagine trying to pull your gaze from a captivating piece of art, but the art is a person, and your brain is wired to linger. This cognitive rigidity can make it challenging to redirect thoughts away from the limerent object, fueling the obsessive cycle.
Sensory & Emotional Seeking
Autistic people often have unique sensory processing profiles, which can include a drive to seek out intense sensory input. This isn't limited to physical sensations; it can extend to emotions. The powerful, exhilarating highs and the crushing lows of limerence can become a compelling emotional landscape, a source of intense feeling that the nervous system may be driven to pursue. As one autistic adult, Cheshire Cat, described it, it’s “having a special interest that's a person... with the highest highs and the lowest lows that you have yet to imagine possible.”
Rejection Sensitivity's Shadow
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) is a common experience in the autistic community, where perceived or actual rejection triggers an intense emotional response. For some, this can lead to overcompensating behaviors, an almost desperate attempt to avoid rejection or secure connection. This underlying anxiety can intertwine with limerence, amplifying the longing for reciprocation and making the fear of unrequited feelings even more potent. For example, someone might interpret a polite, generic compliment from a colleague as a sign of deeper affection, driven by a profound desire for connection and a fear of being overlooked.
Andi, another autistic adult, echoes the sentiment of overwhelming intensity, describing the experience as “intense and obsessive, like they’re the only thing you can think about.” She also highlights the accompanying shame: “Why can’t I stop?” These personal accounts underscore why limerence can feel like such a powerful, all-encompassing force, particularly for those navigating an autistic neurotype.
Navigating the Intensity: Limerence vs. Love
It's easy to confuse the intense pull of limerence with genuine love or healthy attachment. Both involve strong feelings, but their foundations and manifestations differ significantly. Understanding these distinctions is crucial for emotional well-being. Here are some key indicators that what you're experiencing might be limerence:
- Intrusive, Uncontrollable Thoughts: Your mind is constantly consumed by thoughts of the person, often difficult to redirect, even when you try.
- Magnetic Pull: You feel an overwhelming, almost primal draw to the individual, often disproportionate to the actual depth of your connection.
- Unreciprocated Connection: You perceive a deep bond or intimacy that the other person hasn't explicitly indicated or reciprocated.
- Emotional Dependency: You feel emotionally reliant on this person, even if you've known them for a relatively short period. Your mood heavily depends on their perceived attention or approval.
- Compulsive Contact: There's a strong, persistent urge to initiate contact, even if they haven't responded or have given subtle cues of disinterest.
These feelings can be confusing, overwhelming, and difficult to regulate. But here's the crucial reminder: there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling this way! Your emotions are valid. The challenge lies in how we respond to them, particularly when they become so consuming. This is why limerence can feel like such a destabilizing force, demanding careful navigation.
Finding Your Ground: Coping and Respecting Boundaries
Coping with limerence means acknowledging the intensity of your feelings while also cultivating healthy responses. It's a journey of self-awareness and self-compassion, particularly when your nervous system might be telling you that this connection is a matter of survival. This is why limerence can feel like such a high-stakes emotional game.
Seeking Support and Self-Compassion
One of the most powerful steps you can take is to seek support. Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or a therapist can provide an invaluable external perspective. It helps to process the tension between the hope that some parts of this intense feeling can be 'fixed' and the despair that others cannot. As Suz Vera Burroughs, MS, Ed, BCTMB, notes, "We can work skillfully with both our wiring and our wounding." This confusing time can surface a lot of grief, and processing it is a necessary stage for what comes next.
Crucially, let go of shame. The intensity of your emotions or any changes in your behavior around limerence don't define your worth. Nikki Huijun Li, LMFT, R-DMT, emphasizes that experiencing limerence doesn't make someone a "bad person." It's a human experience, albeit an intense one. Embrace self-compassion as you navigate these complex feelings.
The Open Palm Practice
Burroughs shares a grounding meditation specifically designed for limerence-type feelings, which she calls the 'open palm practice':
- Sit comfortably and choose a steady background sound, like Lo-Fi beats or ambient music, to help you stay grounded.
- Place the open palm of your dominant hand in front of your solar plexus.
- Gently ask yourself: 'What does it mean to hold on with an open palm?'
"This simple exercise reminds me that authentic connection is both mutual and consensual," Burroughs explains. "Fear of abandonment, like a tight grip, can crush what’s delicate. But when we hold with openness, we make space for something far more nourishing to land, and maybe stay, by choice."
Upholding Boundaries: A Non-Negotiable
While your feelings of limerence are valid, they do not grant permission to cross another person’s boundaries. This is a critical distinction. Morgan, an autistic adult, experienced the receiving end of limerence. After connecting with someone named Skylar in an online social group and meeting once in person, Morgan felt no personal friendship had formed. Yet, Skylar began sending love letters and messaging across multiple platforms, referring to their meeting as a "date" without prior discussion. Morgan felt Skylar had made "big leaps and assumptions" about their connection.
Burroughs shares a similar experience: "While I have compassion and so on, it was very intimidating and even frightening." She advises those in the throes of limerence to "take a breath, step back, and calm the f down (kindly). Your nervous system may be telling you that this connection is a matter of survival, but that’s old wiring talking." Consider a situation where someone continues to send messages or gifts after being politely asked to stop, or persistently engages with someone's social media despite being unfollowed or blocked. These behaviors, though driven by intense feelings, disregard the other person's autonomy and comfort.
Huijun sums it up perfectly: "You don't need to change the sparks you feel, you just need to change the unhealthy behaviors around it." Your feelings are yours, but your actions impact others. If you find yourself struggling with intense limerence, regulating your emotional response, or coping with these feelings in healthy ways, a trained therapist specializing in supporting the autistic community can offer invaluable guidance.
Remember: If your feelings aren't reciprocated, it's not a reflection of your worth. And on the flip side, if you're the recipient of limerent behaviors, you are absolutely allowed to set and enforce boundaries to protect your peace and safety.
