Have you ever felt that quiet, persistent whisper telling you to do more, be better, or push harder? What if that voice isn't your enemy, but your ally in disguise?
The Myth of Elimination
We live in an era of liberation, where the prevailing advice for personal growth is to shed the weight of expectation. The command is simple: stop should-ing all over yourself. Yet, this well-intentioned advice often leads to a vacuum rather than a solution. When we remove the structure of our aspirations, we aren't left with pure freedom; we are often left with aimlessness.
The problem isn't the existence of the gap between our current reality and our desired future. The issue is the source and the scrutiny of that gap. In defense of “should”, we must acknowledge that these mental signposts are fundamental to the human experience. They are the architects of our growth mindset, pointing toward the person we aspire to become (Harvard, 2024).
Examining the Source
Consider the shoulds that populate your daily internal monologue. They are not all created equal. Some are echoes of external pressures—social media trends, family expectations, or corporate ladders. Others are deeply internal, born from our core values and deepest desires.
The distinction, however, is less about origin and more about ownership. An unexamined should is reflexive and often harsh, rooted in values that may not even be ours. An examined should, conversely, is a conscious choice. It asks: Why does this matter to me? and Does this align with the life I want to build? This shift transforms a burden into a compass.
Navigating Contradiction
Without conscious examination, our shoulds often collide, creating a paralyzing catch-22. We feel deficient no matter which path we choose. This is where the practice of in defense of “should” becomes a practical tool for sanity.
- The Ambition vs. Rest Dilemma: "I should push for that promotion," clashes with "I should prioritize my work-life balance."
- The Discipline vs. Spontaneity Conflict: "I should stick to my strict budget," battles with "I should say yes to this once-in-a-lifetime trip with friends."
- The Authenticity vs. Conformity Paradox: "I should express my true opinion," competes with "I should keep the peace in the group."
Instead of choosing one should and ignoring the other, the examined approach integrates them. It might mean negotiating a role with better hours or saving specifically for the trip. The friction isn't a sign of failure; it's a signal to dig deeper into what truly matters.
The Growth Mindset Connection
Psychologists have long noted that a growth mindset—the belief that abilities can be developed—is linked to resilience and achievement (APA, 2023). Where do we practice this mindset if not in the fertile ground of our shoulds?
Imagine a writer who thinks, "I should write today." If this is an unexamined command, it feels like a chore. If it is examined, it becomes, "I should write today because I value creativity and want to finish my novel." Suddenly, the should is not a restriction but a bridge to the self you are becoming. In defense of “should” is ultimately a defense of your own potential.
Choosing Your Shoulds
How do we move from obeying or rejecting to consciously choosing? It requires a moment of pause. When you hear that voice, don't silence it immediately. Instead, interrogate it with kindness.
Is this should serving my long-term vision? Does it account for my current energy and context? By engaging with these questions, we move from being ruled by our standards to being guided by them. We stop being victims of our own ambition and start being the curators of our own character.
The ultimate freedom isn't found in the absence of shoulds, but in the confidence that comes from knowing exactly why you have chosen them.
